just once I want things to be different. I actually want change right now. I am trying to do the things I thought would bring it, but they have brought me back to where I was, not really where I need to be. I’m losing what little I had left of myself; what little I had regained and attained for and from myself. I am literally falling apart. Crying at 4:30 am on the internet, rambling in an open letter to myself. what the hell am I doing?